In the last two months so much has happened.
* I worked the summer with my parents and we have forged on to create a healthy, loving, honest and accepting relationship. We still have our differences yet we can look past them and get along. We all have our own lives. I was asked to be back in the loop with mom's medical care. She has gone through breast lump removal, which was benign!!! She has been to an Endocrinologist and is changing her diet and looking into engaging in physical activity. At the end of the month she has shoulder surgery, which is going to be challenging for her. Still no one complete answer yet one by one we are getting there. The puzzle will one day be completely put together.
* I auditioned for a film, Dane Granger, and earned my way to a lead role. I was working on exposing my vulnerability piece by piece yet now I feel that is all gone. In the end this is what I wanted yet I am trying to adapt to the speed and suddenness of it all. I have been saying for two years I feel like something great is about to happen and this very well may be it! I am meeting people through this process. I am talking about my life and getting to know others. I feel like I have been out of this part of the world for so long. I am getting to know people on levels I did not do anymore even though it is acting…….
* Work has been all over. I am trying so hard to stay out of the corporate world….unless it was working with Ellen….or some extremely creative not soul crushing opportunity. I am an artist and in taking this route things are a little more challenging yet I am happy. I applied for this amazing opportunity in the world of the arts and was rejected. I have never wanted a job so much b/c I can see what kind of avenue I can create. Its getting the board to see it. Now the position s being revamped to be more administrative…….way to suck the creative life right out of it! I feel connected and ready for the first time in 3 years. The current director had been pushing me and pushing me against my resistance and now I am ready. So, instead of letting me in to help rebuild they shut me out and I continue my search for a job in the arts that I absolutely love. A job that respects my differences, creativity and trust that what I can bring to the table will add such beauty and poise. Like I said….still looking!
* I have joined the Performance Time Artist Series (PTA) and will be producing my first show February 20 & 21, 2015. I have been to some of these shows and always left unsatisfied. Now I have the opportunity to show Cincinnati what PTA and CDT is all about!!!! I am excited to bring a different flavor and spin to things. I am excited to see my work played out on stage.
* In taking on a full artists life, I have involved myself in modeling for Xavier University Drawing class. I am looking at ways to get even more involved. I enjoy the challenge of being still, which goes against my nature. I am throwing myself into a vulnerably exposed position to see how I react, feel and what I think. So far I love it!!!!
* My science classes are running and have taken off. I get to create and educate on science! I would like my area of science to take off even more as I feel it could support me financially so I can do the arts! Science is an art after all. I would like to pick up more gigs with science side to pay the bills.
* Relationships……oh relationships. So July 4, 2014 the woman whom I was working towards sending a life together left me b/c I "pushed" her too hard and fast. The leaving was abrupt and disrespectful. I am a woman who pushes. I needed to push to see if she was a good fit for me. I needed to see her true colors not the rainbow she was putting on for me. I needed to see the darkness inside of her. For me when everything is exposed I know exactly what I am getting into. I am not blinded years down the road when I discover something about her. I realize that no matter how much we know we don't know everything and with time and experience we learn even more. I had no clue how I was going to be a parent to someone else's children, or deal with their ex-husband. I was dealing and resolving my own experiences prior to her coming into my life. I had not completely worked through everything and I realize that instead f sharing that with her I should have kept it from her b/c it hurt us. I am an honest and forth giving woman. If I could learn how to hide my thoughts and feelings it may not scare others away. Yet part of me believes that if I scare others away they didn't need to be here in the first place. I pushed to see who she really was…..well she left. I tried to talk with her and discuss what she was feeling. I tried to clarify and she just left. She ran away. I thought I have done this all on my own many times before this is no different. Well……I was wrong it was different. Jen was the second person to completely break me. Lindsey was the first woman to completely break me and it took 2.5 years to get past her. I felt like it was happening all over again. This time with Jen it was different. I could have changed things with Lindsey and I didn't. With Jen I was working on getting past my love for the prior woman to her. In order for me to get through something I need to understand it. Understanding is how I have gotten to be where I am today. If I played dumb, turned my head or played my ignorance card like most of humanity I would not be me. I am different and rare, yet I am not the only one out there like this. I believe I will one day meet someone almost completely like me. I will want to just stare at them, ask them questions confirming their existence. People say they get me and then they do shit that shows me they don't. Oh yes back to Jen…..so we decide to meet. I am nervous and anxious to see if there is anything still there. It wasn't hard meeting her, it was hard leaving her. I kissed her and I could feel her start to feel again. Then she calmed up and stopped. She said I can't do this again. Well fuck that was confusing!!! Jen doesn't let her guard down and verbally share what is going on, she filters and this gets to me b/c I want to know everything. Maybe this is the way to have a relationship……filter. It sucks though when the filter is there yet I feel something completely different. I seemed to have lost my feelings switch and I have mixed emotions about this. I tell everything and Jen tells some. I don't want a filtered relationship. I want a completely exposed and barely guarded relationship. We were getting ready to go to San Fran (a trip that was planned for us after her and Dawn broke up) separately. Before we left nothing was expressed that Jen wanted to try us again. She just said I do not want to do anything about this unit after SF. Ok….I took that to mean we would discuss where things went wrong the first time. Not that she wanted to attempt a relationship together again. I believed she was gone and us meeting was to help mend our broken hearts. I did not take this as I want to start over with you. This was not said nor expressed. See when things aren't conveyed the other person has no idea!!! I gave up assuming a long time ago as it got me NOWHERE! Well turns out she wanted to try us out again. She was more committed and present. Sh realized her mistakes and she also realized her love for me was nothing like she had ever had. She tried with Dawn and it just wasn't there. My ears hear this and my head says then why the hell did you leave the first time…….the love wasn't there the first time. I criticized her in the beginning. She didn't express to me that she needed more positives then negatives. She was so good at the positives I didn't feel the need to point them out. I could live happily with those. The negatives I needed to see if they were transitional or permanent. This is where my pushing came into the picture. She claimed her love for me never went away. I was spending days figuring out how to let her go and now she wants me to hold on. I am so confused!!! Things don't just happen on the flip of a dime especially when hurt is involved that rips your core to shreds. Now she is in front of me and I want to take things slow yet I want to know how she fits into my progressively forward moving life. Some of these questions are futuristic. I am trying to get bean and you can't tell me she won't want to be part of the process or get attached to bean. I want to have some concepts ironed out. I feel as though it may be best to walk away yet there is hesitation in my steps as I start to drift. What if what I really want is in front of me…….what if everything is not being said…….what if two words from her lips changes everything……….what if its not about letting go but letting in………what if questions are not out of fear yet out of trying to understand…….what if understanding is not as bad as everyone makes it seem……….what if its not about control yet giving into control…..what if she never sees me……..