Here lately life is having a shit fight with me. I feel like a monkey flinging my feces at another monkey b/c they stole my banana. I am working through raw emotions. Finding ways to connect with others and understanding what this connections mean. A friend told me that I fall in love with everyone who shows me their raw self. This is true b/c in our world this is the rare hidden gem of life. I am going through a withdrawal of my closest friends being near me. Since May one has relocated to Texas and one to Rhode Island. These two individuals know the real me. The me the world only gets pieces of b/c it doesn't know how to respond. They have been in my life for years and we have gone through so many facets of life together and apart. Yet we share our lives with one another. I am trying to find a place here that I can connect.
The connection I was building has since gotten clustered by life and being busy. She knows me and my relationship patterns yet she doesn't really know me as I grow and learn. We are there to help one another out with the girls yet we rarely connect with one another. We were once intimately involved yet have grown so much by working through and forming a love for one another that is intimate yet not sexual. I watch her as she grows into this beautifully amazing woman. I go through periods of really missing her. I don't contact like I use to b/ I know how busy she is yet she has not slammed the door in my face. We can be creative and bounce ideas off one another. We support one another in all we do. I feel the drift come between us b/c of life yet I do not lie it.
The new connection I was creating had an artistic foundation to it. The way we moved together and trusted one another comes with years of practice and knowing one another. Not us! The first time we moved together was magical. Our bodies could find the space to fit into one another. Our movements were connected. Flowed as if the intentions were created before we ever met. The possibilities with her seemed endless. The concepts we talked about in creating. The depths we were capable of taking these concepts. Creating a space for others to connect through movement and emotions, not realizing the effect until after separated. I thought I had finally found that person to create and present layered content and challenging topics to an audience. But, in my gut I felt this hesitation. I had been warned about her flakiness. Her inability to commit. I wanted to draw my own conclusions. I wanted to see here for her not through the eyes of everyone else. I pushed my instincts back, even though I know they are 99.9% spot on. Well this connection has ended due to her partner's discomforts. Working with me professionally "puts me in a situation that disturbs the mind and heart of a man I care about and that's not ok with me." She couldn't separate her emotional/physical feelings for me from a working professional relationship. Was the piece about falling in love yes and also walking away, not being able to have what was there. Was I going to fall in love with her….I don't know. I do know that the piece we were going to create would reach a higher level of thinking and feeling. This piece was not implemented to make one another fall in love with each other. Just b/c she was questioning her feelings and trying to sift through what she was feeling and why did not have to affect our professional relationship. Yet she let it affect the endless possibilities of creating art together and blamed it on the discomfort of her partner. This speaks volumes as to what kind of human she is. She is confused, has no boundaries, blurred lines to life and lacks the inability to take ownership of her own emotions and feelings. She lacks the strength and courage to see and accept her discomforts. I thought this is what artist's do….create difficult pieces to present to the woe dot make others think. Even though something is challenging the answer is not to walk away. She talks a complete different walk than what she walks. This whole peace and life. Why can't woman support and be in a space to create and live. Where is the support for women. She is all about women yet will be the first to run from an opportunity to build, understand and create. I will take this abrupt leave and turn it into something beautiful without her. She still has an immense amount of awakening to uncover.
There has been another connection in my life that has come and gone and continues to send mixed signals of confusion that I am left alone to try and understand. Her thinking is more advanced than my other connections. She is fighting to make her life better. She lacks in the connection aspect. She has some many layers of wall built up around her. She puts on a act of I am a hard ass, I tear through you with sarcastic comments b/c I do not know how to let myself be gentle. I see in her dance another side. I see the side of balance and letting go. She can let go with her movement yet has not gotten to a space where she can let go with other humans. She has had a lot of hurt in her life yet allowing herself to be a victim to other's ignorance is not the way. She finds comfort in liquid that numbs her mind and body. She is such a beautiful being. Sometimes the hardest part is seeing a different side of a human and not being able to show them or tell them. Everyone has to arrive to this place, if at all, on their own timing. She has a softness about her that is shadowed by pain and distance. Every once in awhile without knowing, she let it peek through. She sucks at communicating her emotions, feelings and thoughts. She is not one to talk about how she is feeling or what she is thinking. She would rather turn it off, try to ignore it and keep on going. Stopping to think seems like a damaging intention in her mind. She grows in her work ethic and shines in her dancing……her personal life and connecting with others lacks. This is all my perspective. She sends mixed signals to me. Her body talks more to me than her mouth does. I try to just be me and go about my days not thinking about her. trying to not care, yet not caring is something I don't think I will perfect. There are downfalls to caring about individuals on a deep internal level. I seemed to have lost my switch. I am beginning to think my switch had some healthy benefits.
I have gone through years of therapy. I find therapy a way to trust in someone, explore my thoughts and feelings and gain a different perspective to my life. I have been fortunate in having therapists that guide me to finding tools to use in my life and help me uncover what I am really trying to find about me. Not tell me how or what to think. I think it may be time to find another therapist that I can confide in and trust on this next part of my journey. As I grow and go through life I feel I am getting even closer to the real me. I see the real me buried inside. She has been protected from the damaging world and cruel humans. Yet she is not so protected b/c she allows herself to feel and experience life. I live life. I do things and not just talk about them. I make happen what I want to happen. I hold power within me that I am still trying to understand what it is. With power comes great responsibility yet I know I am completely capable of owning it.
My last connection, if you are reading, I have been avoiding discussing. Right now this is the closest connection to me. This is the connection that no matter how hard I try and sometimes want it to disappear it doesn't. There has not been a switch with her. She brings confusion to how I live my life. Her existence questions my life.