After three months of disconnection with Maria and I we decided to go back to our modern class. When I came back this time it was different. We had gone through a lot in our individuals lives in three months. We had a big disconnect of feelings. I was curious to see how we would dance together as this was a space where we could share a connection. Coming back after three months our connection had gotten deeper on a different level. We can still dance in the same space. There is still support between us. We can still laugh and connect. There was something different about the space for me. The energy was different. This time it wasn't Maria it was Jacque.
This red headed blue eyed beauty had gotten into my soul. She had a way of making me laugh and putting me at ease. She was critical of advancing my movement and choreography yet in a gentle welcoming way. She had a way of honoring who I am. We could crack jokes that made us both laugh yet others didn't. I felt connected to her in an intimate unspoken way. I craved her movement. She created a space to allow me to be free, expressive and vulnerable. This all hit tonight in class. Last week she sent me a fb message thanking me for making her laugh. She said, sometimes we do not know how the little things have an affect on someone. She was having a difficult time in grieving and in one moment I made her laugh by cracking a joke and being me. Tonight I broke down b/c of what I am going through. We were stretching and wringing out the toxins. The music was deep and vibrating and I felt safe. The tears fell from my eyes as I stretched and I didn't think for a second I wonder who is looking at me…..I just let them fall from my eyes. Suddenly I didn't feel so alone…..I felt her energy surround me and cradle me in her arms. Whether she was doing this or not I felt her in my experience. I danced from my soul tonight and allowed myself to feel without judgement. I looked into her eyes and saw even more of her tonight. When I first came into class I wanted to run in and hug her….she was talking and I didn't want to be rude so we said hi. There is a darkness that strikes several chords with me in her. I feel connected.
After class our sweaty bodies embraced and said thank you to one another. I just wanted to hold her and cry with her. For what I believe was fear and not the best place to break down she said, ok I am going to cry now, let me go. I let go and I felt there was unfinished emotions on both ends there. Why do we as humans run from our emotions? We go through so much heartache and pain in life, so why not embrace one another. She is going through shit, I am going through shit, so why not have someone to lean on. Why are we taught that we need to be independent and rely on no one when our DNA is coded to rely on others, embrace sensitivity, be vulnerable and allow others in. Help one another through this shit so we don't feel so alone. It doesn't have to be the same shit. Shit is shit!
I wanted to lay with her, being vulnerable and talking when we needed too. I wanted to hold her and be held. I wanted to connect. I wanted to feel with her. I wanted to not feel so alone as we go through our shit. I crave connection, physically and emotionally. I thought on my ride home…….are there women out there that just want to be held? That want to allow emotions to rush from within? That want to spoon and be spooned? Be gently touched and comforted? Want a shoulder to bury their head into, snot all over it and create a wetness that leaves an imprint? Could these emotions and releases turn intimate???? ABSOLUTELY! When vulnerability comes out reactions can be expressed in many ways. Does this make it "wrong" or human? I want a woman's arms to wrap around me where I feel safe and able to express my inner most vulnerabilities without judgment. I want to be touched and held tightly. I want to not feel alone. I want in exchange the same openness of vulnerability. A woman who allows me to hold her in my arms listening to her breath, stroking her soft skin and feeling the dampness of her tears fall to my chest. I want a two way intimate connection that is not based on se