I know my subconscious mind was hard at work trying to sort out my life last night. I woke up feeling unsettled and remembering dreams (which I hadn't been for a bit of time). I have a lot going on yet my focus and energy is being put into my show and finding employment that fits me for me. As I peeled open my eyes in the wee hours of the morning a phrase bombarded my thoughts repeating over and over, "I am tired of being a side dish. I am the main course, NOT THE SIDE DISH." I acknowledged the phrase and moved about my day. Throughout my the phrase has slammed me into walls, smacked me in the face and kicked me in the ass. I kept feeling I needed to write and explore this phrase. I thought……I have 15 minutes before I need to leave for dance….I will write then scramble to get myself dressed and zip out the door.
A side dish is a portion of your meal that compliments the main course. For me The main course is a relationship. The side dishes are the compliments to the relationship, as in qualities of the individuals, NOT an individual. My life seems to have a cycle right now……People want me in their lives b/c I am awesome….why the fuck would they not want me in their life?! I have my shit pretty well figured out or at least on a path of forward motion to continue to learn and figure it out. I do not come with a lot of "baggage," such as parental control, addictions, past is still my present, laziness with no drive for life, stagnation, and the list goes on. I come well put together b/c of me. I am beautiful at many angles. I have so much passion and drive sometimes I have to figure out where to put it. I am honest, open, vulnerable, willing, risk taking, raw and pure. I am a rare breed, a woman of many traits and qualities…….so much more to say yet I am down to 7 minutes for right now. I am not a SIDE DISH! Nor will I ever settle for being one.
Does the connection feel awesome…..in some situations yes and others may end up causing more damage than building trust. People in my life, woman especially, like to have their cake and eat it too. They are involved in marriages and/or relationships they say are great and working for them….yet they come to me for something they are not getting at home. I am not the person you come to to live out your wildest dreams, desires, wants or needs in a woman. I am human too and I have emotions. Life is not a game with me. I do not like or find it amusing to play with someone's heart. You say this may not be your intention….well then what the fuck are you doing?! You are entangling yourself into me when you are not available to entangle with. Phrases like: "I am happy in my marriage," "I love him, yet I love you," "I have never left a relationship that is working," "I need to be around you b/c I am happier and I laugh more," "I see, feel and understand you," "You just need to be patient," "I need to figure out my shit," "You annoy me (and leave with no discussion of how or why)," "You can still talk to me," "I want to be with you yet I don't want to leave my situation now." All of these phrases tell me you are thinking a lot about me, about us, yet FEAR takes over and holds you back rom being happier, free, lively to soar into an unknown territory that you yourself are not even sure of b/c you are not sure or confident within yourself. We are all figuring out life, yet some of us take those risks and live for the freedom b/c being locked in a cage to reach through the bars and feel the whips of air every once in a while is not enough. Some of us want to be engulfed in the breeze and run free knowing that we will hide under roots for shelter from the storm.
Live, live for you and then others will see your beauty and want to live with you. Breath for you and someone will want to drink your breath. Love you so that I can love you. Be you, just be the real, true, raw, uninhibited you. Let me love you.