S: "Must be a sign."
Sometimes the hardest challenges to overcome are the ones I need to go through. I thought my life was forming a life with Jen. The Universe had way different plans. Jen was in my life to show me I could take a chance on love again. That I could go and meet someone with doing all of my research. My relationship with Jen was too familiar to my past. I do not want to live in the past. I want to live right now and keep moving forward. Jen remixed me a lot of my ex, Terri. They have similar personalities and stories. I think Jen was my last, ok can I really be with and in love a woman who has been married, divorced and has kids, adventure. I guess my subconscious needed to show me one more time why this life does not work for me. My mind needed to show my heart why I have worked so hard to not make these turns in the road. This life was not for me. I found myself compromising a majority of the time, unit lone day I said fuck this I need this to be a two way street. I started to realize this in my summer travels. I was reminded again that there is a whole big world out there. I started to see that Jen and I's values really didn't align. She lives above her means. She banks on convenience. She is not as healthy as she leads on to be. She does not take responsibility of her actions, she blames or brushes it off. She is not in tune with her emotions. She tries to seal them up. She self-destructs daily. She doesn't know who she is. She has no boundaries with her ex-husband. She is a people pleaser. She is not a good listener as she is too busy trying to share her story ahead of yours. She has a negative attitude towards conception, birth and parenthood. She holds onto her guilt. Her actions and words do not match. She looked at me like my mother would when she didn't accept me for me. There are so many aspects I realize now that she was not the woman for me, my life, my children, my future. I held all of the answers within me….it just took some time to realize them……2 months to be exact.
I move fast in relationships for a couple reasons:
1. I know what I want and am looking for. I have had several relationships to work through this. Don't get me wrong….I am still working through this yet I have a great grasp of what it is that I want and don't want in my life. I know who I am where I want to go even if all the little details aren't worked out.
2. I do not like wasting time. I want to keep moving forward. I have been stagnant for too long in my past when I should have moved on. I do not want to be stagnant any longer. I know within a couple months for sure if things are ebbing and flowing in my relationships. If the person I am with is not for me I want to keep moving forward. It may sound harsh yet its the truth. Why spend time and energy in something that has its doubts form the beginning.
So, Universe, thank you for confirmation today. It was a challenge and a relief all at the same time.