The first time I saw her she was in her element of dance. She was teaching a close "friend" of mine. I was mesmerized by her movement. The way she brushed across the floor, how she contorted her body into ways I thought were impossible. I was against taking her class. I am not sure all the reasons why. I think it scared me to imagine moving my body in this foreign way. And to be that close to her physically I am not sure how I would act or react. We had a flirty chemistry between us. Her sarcasm hurt especially when her comments were directed at me and she pointed out my mistakes in class. She did not help my self-confidence as a mover. The one things was she didn't fully give up on me. I never knew much about her other than she was a dancer, she worked at Starbucks, had referred to alcohol a lot (so maybe a drinking problem), apologized for herself and the state she was in (looking back maybe some cognitive instability). The first day I took class was when her close friend had died. I made her laugh at something I said in class. She sent me a Facebook message saying what she was going through and acknowledging that I got through to her. I wish I still had this message, I don't, b/c it was the beginning. We would stand in the freezing cold for hours outside of the studio and talk or bitch about life. most of her bitching was about Starbucks and its drama. I remember thinking and feeling any minute I can get with her I can learn more about her and understand my connection to her. I still don't understand my connection to her today. I saw her as a dancer, I knew her as a dancer. Maybe when that dance left her life so did her value. I didn't know really anything else about her yet I was drawn to her, I was attracted to her. She held my attention, which most things did not unless they were my own creations and explorations. I stood and listened to er stories about her heart breaking and how lonely she would feel. I still only knew her as a dancer. the information I knew about her was at the acquaintance level yet I felt connected beyond that level. I am known to push people till I get to there truth. Well, I never really got to the truth with this one. At the time I had an individual in my life that could see me for me. All of the positives and negatives. I would talk to her endlessly about my connection with this dancer and how I just wanted to be me and push. She advised me to give the dancer space and time to arrive. I waited an entire year reserving my heart for just her. There were others that came in and out yet I knew I was not fully there. I got tired of waiting for her to see me and show me any interest in being with me. We had a night of physical connection, fucking, one way and there still was no positive outcome from this. I was told I am not ready, I cannot be in a relationship with a woman, I cannot do this. That night she left my place, something died with her absence. I think I started to lose sight and feeling of my connection. Maybe I should have let her go. I could not understand why i felt so strongly for her. I kept contacting her and trying to get her to see me. I didn't give up b/c of her fears or my feelings of rejection. I kept pushing through. I needed something bigger. I needed something she could not ignore. I needed to find answers. I created a performing arts show on my feelings toward her and in my life right now. I asked her to dance in a piece. She was after all the dancer I fell in love with. I exposed my thoughts and feelings. I encouraged my fear of being vulnerable and I did it. I even created a piece to end the show. A few days before we were rehearsing b/c we worked together on her piece. I exposed the truth to her that the show was about my feelings for her and showed her the love letter video I had written and performed. She watched the video and provided nothing, just silence. The opening night she performed she broke down after performing her piece. I had no clue why and still to this day have no clue why she broke down. I came over to her and held her till I had to go on stage creating space for her to sob. After the show closed we went out to Northside tavern and then split our separate ways. I am not sure of timing from when the show ended to when we started sleeping, just sleeping in the same bed happened. The first night we slept together she farted. She was drunk not to excuse her ass blowing. She laughed and said well that happened. Farting over the course of our relationship was how we made one another laugh or want to puke. I remember being over at her house one time. I asked her if she would dance for me. She immediately got shy and said no. I said come on, I won't judge. I can even go in another room. I had a camera to record her. She asked me to leave the apt. all together. I agreed. She wrote for a bit then moved as her movement was being recorded. I to this day do not know how she was feeling, what she wrote or what inspired her to move the way she did. Her movement was raw, emotional and bold. Maybe I fell in love with the dancer and that was all I really ever knew. What kept me going was this unexplainable feeling I had for her inside. Is this feeling gone for good? What is this feeling? Why do I still care? Time will reveal what this relationship was and why it was in my life. My mother would always say that I go for the weak ones, I started to believe this until I went back in time to where it all began. When I first saw her weakness was not to be found or highlighted. She was bold, strong, fluid, creative, sassy, sexy and unknown.
You escape reality
Whether it's through your rocked bourbon or
Your wired brain screen time
You would rather run and escape than face
You claim it's down time, decompression yet your two modes are harmful to yourself.
When words are mentioned about your route of escape you get defensive
Slipping back into dependency of harmful substances.
Stagnant growth limited perception boils within.
Your bubble is small to what is really out in the world.
You have seen yet a spec of reality
Travel, explore, dive deep
When you broaden your view of reality
Would you run then?
The screen will drain your every connection to anything
Fake and deception lives within the screen
Filling your neurons with negative space, fantasy or unreal expectations
Do you know the difference between reality and the screen?
You lay elated fresh cum drippings drizzle down your thighs.
Did you ever think to extend the pleasure?
Filled with fear, hesitation, anxiety you made her feel like a disgusting disease.
You made her and the rest of me feel unwanted.
I spewed my desires and passions in my partner.
Maybe she will hear it as a plea not a judgement.
Maybe she will realize there are two fingers pointed in every situation.
Her own finger at her and my own finger at me.
Not in this case. Both fingers were pointed at me.
Claims to open mindedness yet my genital stood in your way.
The night I fucked you, you had no problem driving into my hand.
After your euphoria you realized I still had a vagina and ran out.
My vagina is still here and not going away.
Your rejection cut through my core yet I kept trying hoping I could convey to you what a life we could have.
Upbringing, fears, pre conceived notations held us back from that life.
Fear was chosen over love.
Your decision was already made from you and you decided to still ride along.
You said we would never make it, you were waiting for the shoe to drop.
The shoe dropped.
You got what you asked for leaving me behind in the particles of dust thinking we could have had a life together
Together didn't exist.
Courage to reach out and gain another perspective never came to fruition.
Dead life rolling in an empty carcass decaying, disintegrating into the air to never have existed.
I was always a woman and still am
You lacked pride within yourself so there was no pride for us.
The things you said you loved about me you also turned them into a negative yet claimed you supported me.
This is not support.
You took your "love" away quite often as it never was really there.
Loving me is loving my physical, emotional and mental being.
Rejection after rejection
Try after try
Now I'm here stuck in a space filled with hatred and negativity
Why? Bc the city we chose to come to is one of the top three most expensive cities.
Why? Bc part of me thinks this is what she needs to realize that she really does want a life with me.
Why? Bc I keep my word in saying I will take care of my responsibilities and not leave them for you to clean up.
Why? Bc you have no one.
Why? Bc I have always cared despite your thoughts about who I am.
Why? Bc I am a proud woman who has died a little inside these past two and a half years and I want to understand why we are here and if anything can be resolved, dissolved and started fresh.
This morning it took all the courage in me to walk into the bedroom knowing i could quite possibly be harshly rejected to ask if you if you really had nothing left for me. You said no I don't not have anything left for you, We looked into each others eyes in the morning darkness in completely silence while having dogs walk over us. You asked if I wanted to share any of the thoughts running through my head. I saw, "i an not your father." You responded with, "I am not your mother." In this moment I began to think of the ways my mother has been interrupting my life. Some time passed and then you asked if I wanted to share any thoughts running through my mind. I sat silent then said, "no bc they will be seen as negativity not just thoughts and questions. I got up ad left the room. I wanted to kiss you to see if e could reconnect and then I held myself back bc of our conversation of sex and you saying you would rather feel safe than be involved intimately. In the past I have rough housed with you and you have called rape, even in playing. I did not want to make things worse. I just wanted you to grab me and say you are stubborn, you hurt me sometimes and still say you love me and you want to get through this. None of that happened. I am sure you are planning your escape route ready to flee by now. It is too much work and unknown to stay. If the election didn't go as it has I am sure you would move back to Cincinnati, Rob is there. He is your one friend that you seem to lean on. Maybe you will go to your sister's in Utah and stay there. Your relationship with your family hasn't been great yet you have been talking to your mom more so maybe you have reached out to her. I don't know I know that you are not staying here to figure it out b/c you are hurt and you don't know how to "navigate" this. I am not fleeing. I have not made an escape route b/c deep in the apex of my heart there is still something for you. I want to be BOLD and make a move yet I am scared that it will hurt you even more. I went out the other night b/c you were right I have been full of negativity. I went out to explore and find a little happiness. We never go out and that is partially b/c I am not adamant enough and partially b/c you want to stay in and do not speak up or push to go out. You don't really push at all. Push a little for fuck sake. Be bold and if you want to be here and you saw a life with me then do something about it!
I write notes and leave them to find.
I remind her verbally and visually she is beautiful.
I pick her up a bag of her favorite junk food.
I keep the space that she worked hard to tidy up clean.
I fold and put her laundry away.
I ask her where she wants to go and what she wants to do and I try to make that happen.
When I see an article/comic/video she would like I send it to her.
I sit with her and watch tv. Starting new shows together.
I pick up a movie unannounced to have a night with her.
I tend to her ailments when asked and when not asked if she has just said those things in passing.
I get out of bed after being tucked in to get her lavender, papaya, arnica and lavender for her itchy legs or aleve.
I rub her head in the morning.
I hold her close.
I try to make more money to do things with her.
I keep an eye out for recipes and magazines she might enjoy.
I check in with her.
I take care of yoni in the mornings if I can.
I try to make getting yoni's food easy and accessible.
I text her throughout the day.
I let her know when I have arrived at my destination.
I encourage her.
I'm working on trusting her every day a little more that she will get her finances together and help even more on the cc debt.
I stand up for her.
I present ideas for jobs she may like.
I started a dance company with her.
I am honest with her about her cooking.
I am present during sex.
I give her the opportunity to fully release during sex.
I bring up anything that is bothering me in my life.
I'm working on asking for help.
I consider our time in making decisions.
I try not to work at night.
I look for things at the thrift store that she would like it has said she wanted.
I acknowledge the holidays and celebrate then with her.
I stopped trying to have a baby.
I make every effort to get her passport completed from stopping to get the form with her to getting and making out the money order to encouraging to take her to get her pictures.
I try not to take a shower when she is doing her hair.
I wash the tub with soap after I apply my body butter.
I ask her about her schedule for the day/week.
I say good morning.
I turn our toothbrush sanitizer on.
I thank her.
I hang her towel out to dry over the shower curtain.
I ask to seek high guidance with our relationship.
I pick up a library book she may like.
I take pictures to document our journey.
I lock the door if she is not sleeping.
I keep my eyes on her.
Tell her to be careful or be safe.
Tell her I'm proud of her.
Ask her about her physical, emotional and mental self.
Ask her about her childhood.
Ask her about her past relationship experiences.
Say I love you when I feel our love.
Ask her to go places and try new things.
Buy her things she is interested in.
Pick up a new coffee she might like.
Look up events she/we might enjoy.
Make connections for the dance company.
Things I need to work on with Jacque.
Bring and honor her passions back in dance. Keep my mouth shut when she gives an idea. Present my idea on a different day.
Ask for help. Ask for help on the stage in dance. Dance related.
Why do I cognitively love her? I have gone with my heart and having this feeling in love in my soul. What does this feeling conjugate into a cognitive sense? I want to know why I love her. I feel love for her. Yet without knowing why how do I know I really love her????
I can relax in her arms.
I take a breath into her once I let go.
I can let go physically with her even though I don't know if I have reached a maximum let go.
I trust her.
I laugh with her.
We can have fun together.
She is loyal.
I think that we could do big and great things together.
I don't look at anyone else and think they are better.
I want to find things do together.
I take on a lot more work to provide for us.
I'm conscious about including her and making time for us.
I push the boundaries of life.
I will have her back in a shitty situation and she has mine.
I stand up for her.
I find different ways to please her sexually.
I take time out to rub her body and make her feel better.
I go through her frustrating stages of depression with her.
I trust her with yoni.
I want to spend time with her.
Things we learned going across country.
Flat and ugly.
Kum & go gas stations
No Starbucks or local coffeehouses
Longest state to cross through
Awesome pilot station
Rest areas far and few between.
Kearney had an organic cafe and cool copper, leather arts supplies shop.
Truck stop took 22 minutes to start pump and get receipt.
Windy as fuck 50+mph
Rest stops were in the middle of the woods.
Weird bearded dude.
Gas stations from a horror movie. Country hick moose head stations.
Clouds like you can touch them.
Windy as fuck.
Cool cafes, oasis.
Healthier options for organic.
Cool star gazing.
Deer migration areas
Lots of trains and bugs
Most beautiful scenery. Windy roads
Lots of elevation change
Severe side winds
Technology towers. Lots.
Is more open with me than anyone
Knows I'll be there for her
Jumped in a relationship with me bc she thought she was going to lose me.
Asks me to push her with sex. She will be honest and tell me if it not what she wants.
She loves me
She doesn't think I'm gross
I make her feel good
When were you afraid of losing me in the beginning of you didn't step into our relationship before you were ready?
When you said our first night was just an experiment was it really just an experiment or the way you were expressing you needed time?
I don't say I love you anymore. Why? Is it bc it wasn't said back I would just get a squeeze or run or nuzzle. That's great yet hearing her say she loves me makes me feel good inside.
Watching tv is not how I want to spend my days with her. It reminds me a lot of Tracy and my relationship. I feel it's a state of depression. I like to go and experience and live not sit and be numb or escape through a box. Why is the tv an automatic go to?
Sometimes well most of the time I feel like I pick up behind her. I feel like she acts as if she is the only one in the house. When I do things out of kindness for her am I debilitating her?
Lately she is complaining about having to work at a job she doesn't like. Ok so find another one you do like. She didn't want to start a new position and learn a new task yet she complains about me making her go to work. It's three days a week. If you don't like it change it.
I feel like she doesn't want to put effort towards anything. As if life is a lost cause. I thought she was enjoying life and finding the joy with us.
I can't remember the last time I touched her or we had sex. Sex is a healthy part of a relationship. I do not have a drive to touch her and I don't know if it is bc I was tired of see being on her time and o it one sided or if I am just giving up the fight.
She said tonight she is in an emotional place and experiencing some emotions arise when we talked about going to my family's tomorrow. She's not excited I'm not excited yet this is most likely the last time I will see them before I go to Seattle. What are her emotions??
Talking about internal feelings. Ha!! Rarely. She keeps everything inside most of the time. She usually doesn't discuss if something is bothering her yet she asks me and I usually say what it is. Why does our communication lack depth and emotion?
We live in a place the is stunting to our growth yet when we move is it going to be a similar situation of just sitting in front of a tv? Is the focus going to turn to its a new city and I don't know anyone or where to go? I do not want to move out to a place where it's the same. I want a change. I want a whole relationship not a holey one.
Are we just crossing through a rough patch or is our love changing and growing apart? I find myself doing more and more by myself bc she spends the majority of her time putting herself together, she doesn't want to go or I want space away to be able to get things done quickly. We are not eating meals together, going to bed together, waking up together..... These are signs to me that our relationship is not moving forward. Will it take losing her to see what is really here? Do I have my guards up bc I feel like I'm fighting to have them down? I'm a sensitive person. And her sarcasm sometimes hurts and cuts to the core. Is she rethinking her decision to be here with me and spend her time? She is drinking more. Staying up late. Watching a lot of tv. Not really talking to me about what she's going through in her life. I'm not sure what to think about these changes. I'm not always going to be the cheerleader. She needs to step up and be the cheerleader too. We need to be equal not competing for a prize that doesn't exist.
This is one way I express my thoughts and feelings and help sort out what are mine and what are others. These writings are written in the moment. For some they may be too honest, disturbing or intimate. This is all part of me.